Helping Children Understand Death and Grief

Talking to children about death and grief can be nerve wracking but it’s one of the most important conversations you can have. Children experience loss differently than adults, and their understanding of death evolves as they grow. While your gut reaction may be to protect them from the pain, being open and honest helps them process their feelings and develop healthy coping skills.

So how can we talk with our children about this rather tricky subject?

First and foremost: Be Honest and Age-Appropriate!

Children are naturally curious, and they REALLY GOOD at sensing when something is wrong. It’s best to address their questions about death with honesty, using simple, real and age-appropriate language.

For young children, avoid euphemisms like “passed away” or “went to sleep,” which can confuse them. Imagine being told Grandma went to sleep forever and then being put to bed that night.  YIKES. Instead, explain that death means the body has stopped working and the person won’t be coming back. For example:

“Grandma died because her body was very old and sick, and it couldn’t work anymore.”

Older children may have a different understanding of death but still need space to ask questions and express their emotions. Be prepared for a range of inquiries, from the practical (“What happens to their body?”) to the philosophical (“Where do people go after they die?”). It’s okay to admit when you don’t have all the answers.

Let me say that louder for the people in the back: IT’S OK TO ADMIT WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS.  

Acknowledge Their Feelings

Children may not have the vocabulary to articulate their grief, but they feel loss just as deeply as adults do. Validate their emotions by letting them know it’s okay to feel sad, angry, confused, or even relieved.

Encourage them to express their feelings through talking, drawing, writing, or play. Grief doesn’t always look like tears; sometimes it shows up as mood swings, changes in behavior, or withdrawal. Be patient and create a safe space where they feel comfortable sharing what’s on their mind.

Include Them in Rituals

This is so important.   Their imaginations are great at filling in blanks we leave, so involving children in age-appropriate rituals, such as funerals, memorial services, or other traditions, can help them process the reality of death and honor the memory of their loved one. Explain what to expect beforehand so they feel prepared. 

If they don’t want to attend a formal event, find other ways to create meaningful moments. This could include lighting a candle, sharing stories, planting a tree, or drawing pictures in memory of the person who died.

Provide Reassurance

Death can make children feel uncertain or scared, especially if they fear losing other loved ones. They might be fearing “If grandma died, will mom die too?”  Offer reassurance without making unrealistic promises. For instance, you might say, “Most people live a very long time, and I’m healthy and doing everything I can to stay that way.”

Also, let them know they are loved and supported, no matter what. Children need to feel safe and secure as they process their grief.

Be a Model of Grief

Children look to adults for cues on how to handle difficult emotions. By sharing your own feelings in an age-appropriate way, you show them it’s okay to grieve. For example, saying, “I feel really sad today because I miss Grandpa” normalizes the experience and teaches them that grief is a natural response to loss.

Offer Ongoing Support

Grief doesn’t have a timeline for adults so it certainly does not have one for children, and children may revisit their feelings as they grow and their understanding of death deepens. Be open to ongoing conversations and check in regularly. Books, support groups, or counseling can also be helpful resources if they’re struggling to process their emotions.

In conclusion

Helping children understand death and grief is about providing honesty, compassion, and a sense of stability. By creating a safe space for their questions and emotions, you’re equipping them with the tools they need to navigate loss—not just now, but throughout their lives.

Most importantly, remind them that grief is a reflection of love, and it’s okay to take time to heal. With your support, they’ll learn that while loss is a part of life, so too is love, resilience, and hope.

I have a handy one sheet guide for talking with Children about death and many other great resources Here and I have an entire podcast episode dedicated to this subject.