Common Misconceptions About Death Doulas

When people hear the term “death doula,” they often picture something out of a gothic novel—maybe a mysterious figure cloaked in black, whispering ominous farewells. Or they assume we’re the Grim Reaper’s personal assistants, handing out scythes and existential dread. (I get my fair share of the side eye and some “bless your heart”s) But the reality is far from those myths. We are compassionate guides who provide emotional, practical, and spiritual support for the dying and their loved ones. And yet, misconceptions persist. Let’s clear a few of them up.  And please; share these with your friends!

1. Death Doulas Are Only for the Actively Dying

Many people think death doulas only step in during the final hours of life, like a last-minute crisis team. While we certainly help during that time, our work often begins much earlier. We assist with end-of-life planning, legacy projects, emotional processing, and caregiver support—sometimes months or even years before death.  It’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey, and the journey isn’t just about the last breath; it’s about ensuring the entire transition is as peaceful and intentional as possible.

2. We Replace Hospice or Medical Care

Dear lord, no.  That’s not something any one person can undertake!! Death doulas do not provide medical care, administer medication, or replace hospice. Instead, we complement those services. Hospice focuses on medical needs, while death doulas focus on the emotional, spiritual, and logistical aspects of dying. Think of us as the bridge between the clinical and the deeply personal—holding space, facilitating conversations, and helping families navigate the process with less fear and more connection.  As much as hospice teams would probably like to stay with you when you need it most, truth is they have many patients and can’t spare the time that doulas can.

3. It’s Only for People Who Are Religious or Spiritual

Some people assume that because we discuss death and meaning, we must all be spiritual guides or heavily tied to religious rituals. While some death doulas can incorporate faith-based elements (if requested), many of us work with people of all beliefs—including atheists, agnostics, and those who simply don’t know what they believe. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to dying, and our role is to honor whatever is meaningful to you.  I personally have had people of many different faiths and beliefs.

4. It’s Morbid and Depressing Work

This is one of the biggest myths. Yes, death is a heavy subject, but working as a death doula is often filled with beauty, humor, and profound connection. We don’t walk around in perpetual sorrow; we laugh, celebrate lives, and create meaningful moments. Facing death head-on doesn’t increase fear—it usually reduces it. And for many, that brings incredible peace.  (And I’ll admit I have been the instigator of some deep belly laughs at bedside more than once)

5. Death Doulas Are Only for the Dying

While we primarily support those at the end of life, our work extends to their loved ones too. Caregivers, family members, and friends often need just as much guidance, whether it's practical help navigating the system, emotional support, or grief coaching. Death affects everyone in the room, not just the person taking their last breath.

Final Thoughts

Death doulas are here to make the process of dying less frightening, not more. We don’t predict death, we don’t speed it up, and we certainly don’t walk around with a crystal ball. Instead, we provide comfort, guidance, and advocacy during one of life’s most profound transitions. By breaking down these misconceptions, I just hope more people will feel empowered to embrace end-of-life support—without the myths getting in the way.

So, if you’ve ever wondered what a death doula really does, here’s the simple answer: We bring compassion where it’s needed most. And no, we don’t carry scythes.  I mean, unless you want me to.  I’m open to ideas.  

If you want to learn more about how I can help, please don’t hesitate to reach out!  Click here for more information.

How Death Doulas Support People with Chronic Illness

A chronic illness diagnosis can drastically and suddenly change every aspect of a person’s life, creating a new world of uncertainty, frustration, and emotional exhaustion. Unlike a terminal illness with a defined prognosis, chronic conditions can go on for years, requiring ongoing medical care, lifestyle adjustments, and emotional turmoil. For many, this prolonged and sucky journey can feel isolating and overwhelming. This is where a death doula’s support can be invaluable.

Wait, what?  But…. you’re for DEATH, right?  Well yes we are often associated with end-of-life care, but we can also play a valuable role in supporting those living with chronic illness. By doing what we do best in offering emotional, practical, and spiritual guidance.  We help anyone navigate their journey with greater peace, dignity, and empowerment.

Providing Emotional and Spiritual Support

Chronic illness is more than just a physical struggle—it takes a deep emotional toll. Feelings of grief, loss of independence, and fear about the future are common. Death doulas provide a compassionate presence, offering a safe space for individuals to express their emotions without judgment.  (Use the bad words!  I’m  ok with it!)

By actively listening and validating their experiences, we help clients process their fears and frustrations. We also assist in reframing the experience, helping individuals find moments of joy and meaning despite the challenges they face. Whether through mindfulness practices, guided meditation, or simple companionship, our presence can bring comfort and reassurance.

Death doulas can also provide spiritual support for those who want or need it. This may involve exploring existential questions, helping with legacy projects, or facilitating conversations about beliefs and personal meaning. Regardless of religious or spiritual background, the goal is to help individuals find peace within their journey.  Devout Catholic, Buddhist or Atheist, we are there WITH you.

Grief is a big part of life with chronic illness too. Grief work is just another one of the many services death doulas can provide.

Navigating Medical and Care Decisions

Living with a chronic illness often means managing complex medical decisions. Over time, individuals may need to consider changes in treatment, quality of life choices, and long-term care planning. Death doulas help clients make informed decisions by discussing options that align with their values and priorities.  We’re not here to tell you what to do.  We’re here to advocate for YOU.

This support may include:

• Advance care planning – Helping individuals document their wishes for future medical care, such as creating a living will or discussing do-not-resuscitate (DNR) preferences.

• Facilitating difficult conversations – Supporting discussions between individuals, their families, and medical providers about care preferences and goals.  This can be a tricky landscape and we can help!

• Identifying supportive resources – Connecting individuals with palliative care teams, pain management specialists, and community support services.

• Advocating for you - Sometimes speaking up is hard, or possibly a physical limitation.  Let us be your voice.

By acting as a compassionate guide, a death doula empowers individuals to advocate for themselves and ensure that their wishes are honored.

Supporting Quality of Life and Legacy Work

A chronic illness does not mean a person stops living—it means they find new ways to live within their changing circumstances. Death doulas help clients focus on what brings them joy, purpose, and fulfillment.  It’s my favorite challenge!

This can involve things like:

• Legacy projects – Writing letters to loved ones, recording life stories, or creating memory books.

• Exploring new ways to engage in hobbies or passions – Adapting activities to accommodate physical limitations.  Or even finding experts in adaptive arts, sports, etc.

• Encouraging meaningful connections – Strengthening relationships with family and friends through open conversations and shared experiences.

By really focusing on quality of life, doulas help individuals focus on what matters most, even while dealing with ongoing health challenges.

A Compassionate Companion for the Journey

A chronic illness can be a long, crappy and unpredictable road, but no one should have to walk it alone. Death doulas offer compassionate, holistic support, ensuring that individuals feel heard, empowered, and comforted along the way. Be it through emotional presence, medical decision-making support, or legacy work, our role is to bring peace and meaning to the journey.

In a world that all too often focuses on curing rather than caring, death doulas remind us that support, dignity, and love are just as important as medicine.

If you need help navigating a diagnosis or new life with chronic illness, please reach out!

Quick & Healthy Meals for Busy Caregivers

I mentioned eating healthy in my last post, and as promised I have some great ideas for you to try!  As a caregiver, your time and energy are often devoted to someone else’s needs, leaving little room to think about your own well-being—especially when it comes to meals. But proper nutrition is essential to maintaining your strength, resilience, and emotional balance. The good news? Eating well doesn’t have to be complicated or time-consuming. With a few simple strategies and go-to meal ideas, you can nourish your body even on the busiest days.

Here are some quick, healthy meal ideas that require minimal prep, cooking, and cleanup—perfect for caregivers with limited time.

Fast & Nutritious Breakfast Ideas

Mornings can be chaotic, but a nutritious breakfast sets the tone for the day. These options are quick and easy to prepare:

• Overnight Oats – Mix oats, milk (or yogurt), chia seeds, and fruit in a jar and refrigerate overnight for a grab-and-go meal.

• Greek Yogurt with Nuts & Honey – High in protein and requires no prep—just scoop and eat.

• Protein Smoothie – Blend frozen fruit, spinach, nut butter, and protein powder for a quick, nutrient-packed start.

• Avocado Toast with Egg – Mash avocado on whole-grain toast and top with a boiled or fried egg for healthy fats and protein.

• Cottage Cheese & Berries – A no-cook, high-protein option with natural sweetness.

Simple & Satisfying Lunches

When you’re caring for someone else, you may be tempted to skip lunch or grab something unhealthy. These easy meals ensure you stay nourished:

• Hummus & Veggie Wrap – Spread hummus on a whole wheat wrap, add sliced veggies, and roll it up. (This is my personal go-to fave!)

• Quinoa & Chickpea Salad – Toss pre-cooked quinoa, canned chickpeas, and chopped cucumbers with a lemon dressing.

• Rotisserie Chicken & Salad Kit – Grab a store-bought salad kit and add rotisserie chicken for a protein boost.

• Tuna Salad on Whole Grain Crackers – Mix canned tuna with Greek yogurt or avocado and serve on crackers.

• Egg Salad Lettuce Wraps – Mash boiled eggs with avocado or yogurt and wrap in lettuce leaves for a low-carb, protein-rich meal.

Quick & Easy Dinners

After a long day, the last thing you want is a complicated meal. These one-pan and minimal-effort dinners make life easier:

• Sheet Pan Meals – Toss chicken, salmon, or tofu with vegetables and roast everything on one sheet pan.

• Stir-Fry with Pre-Cut Veggies – Sauté pre-cut vegetables with shrimp or chicken and serve over instant brown rice.

• Slow Cooker Chili – Throw beans, tomatoes, ground turkey, and spices into a slow cooker for an effortless meal.

• Baked Sweet Potato with Black Beans – Top a baked sweet potato with canned black beans, salsa, and cheese.

• One-Pot Pasta – Cook pasta, protein, and veggies in one pot with broth for a quick, minimal-cleanup meal.

Healthy Snacks for Energy

Caregivers often forget to eat until they’re starving. Having healthy snacks on hand prevents energy crashes:

• Nut Butter & Apple Slices – A quick, protein-packed snack.

• Trail Mix – Nuts, seeds, and dried fruit make a perfect grab-and-go option.

• Hard-Boiled Eggs – Pre-boil eggs so you have a ready-to-eat protein boost.

• String Cheese & Whole-Grain Crackers – A balanced snack with protein and fiber.

• Energy Bites – Mix oats, peanut butter, honey, and flax seeds, roll into balls, and refrigerate.

Make It Even Easier: Meal Prep & Smart Grocery Shopping

To save even more time, consider:

• Batch cooking when you have time – Make extra portions and freeze them for easy meals later.

• Keeping pre-cut veggies, canned beans, and rotisserie chicken on hand – This makes meal prep even faster.

• Using slow cookers and sheet pan meals – These minimize effort and cleanup.

As a caregiver, you deserve nourishment just as much as the person you’re caring for. Taking a little time to fuel your body can help you feel more energized, focused, and emotionally balanced. Remember—taking care of yourself is an essential part of caring for others.

And if all that fails….bourbon.  ;)

The Importance of Self-Care in End-of-Life Caregiving

Caring for someone at the end of life is one of the most profound and meaningful acts of love. It’s also one of the most emotionally and physically exhausting roles a person can take on. CAREGIVING IS NO JOKE, PEOPLE!  When caregivers devote themselves entirely to the needs of their loved one, their own well-being often takes a back seat. (And the middle part of the back seat, smashed between two sweaty uncles.)  Prioritizing your own health and emotional well being allows you to continue providing compassionate care without burning out.  I cannot stress enough to help yourself BEFORE burnout.

The Emotional Toll of End-of-Life Caregiving

End-of-life caregiving is deeply personal and often emotionally draining. Watching a loved one decline can bring waves of grief, anxiety, and sadness long before they pass. Caregivers may feel isolated, overwhelmed, or even guilty for wanting a break. These emotions, if left unaddressed, can lead to burnout, depression, and chronic stress.

Acknowledging your own emotions and needs does not mean you are neglecting your loved one. In fact, taking time for self-care ensures you have the strength and emotional capacity to continue showing up with love and patience.

The Physical Demands of Caregiving

Providing end-of-life care often means long hours, interrupted sleep, and physically demanding tasks such as lifting, bathing, or repositioning a loved one. Over time, these physical demands can lead to exhaustion, muscle strain, and weakened immunity.  Do you really have time for being sick?  Trick question, no one ever has time to get sick!!

Self-care includes recognizing when you need rest and support. Small acts such as staying hydrated, eating nutritious meals, and taking short walks can help maintain your energy levels. If possible, ask for help from family, friends, or respite care services to give yourself time to recover.  Look, I know how easy this is for me to say and how hard it is to actually DO.  Running through McDonalds is SO much more convenient than making a nice dinner, I agree.  But there are ways to make something healthy quickly! (Look for some ideas in next week’s blog!)

Finding Moments for Yourself

Even in the busiest days of caregiving, small self-care moments can make a big difference. Here are a few simple ways to care for yourself:

• Breathe and pause: Take a few deep breaths when feeling overwhelmed. Even five minutes of mindfulness can reset your nervous system.  (Just ONE deep breath can help!)

• Stay connected: Talking to a friend, joining a caregiver support group, or simply sharing your thoughts with someone who understands can lighten the emotional load.

• Engage in something you love: Reading, listening to music, journaling, or stepping outside for fresh air can bring moments of peace amid the chaos.

• Get enough rest: Sleep deprivation can lead to irritability and exhaustion. Whenever possible, rest when your loved one does or ask for help so you can take breaks.

Bonus: I had an entire podcast episode on suggestions for this!

Asking for and Accepting Help

Many caregivers struggle with asking for help, feeling it’s their sole responsibility to care for their loved one. But no one can—or should—do it alone. Accepting support allows you to sustain your caregiving role without sacrificing your own health.

If friends or family offer to help, be specific about what you need—whether it’s running errands, preparing meals, or sitting with your loved one while you rest.  If asking another loved one is too difficult, hire a death doula!!

Caring for Yourself is Caring for Them

Taking care of yourself is not selfish—it’s essential. When you prioritize your well-being, you bring more patience, compassion, and strength to your caregiving role. (You can’t pour from an empty cup!)  By acknowledging your limits and practicing self-care, you honor not just your loved one, but also yourself. In the end, love and care should flow both ways, and that includes caring for the caregiver.

You don’t have to do this alone.  Please join us over at Caregivers United!

Creating a Calming Soundscape at the End of Life

Hearing is usually the final connection we have to the earthly world.  I get asked a lot by loved ones “Can they still hear me?”  Yes, absolutely!  Please continue speaking to your loved one.

In life as well as in dying, sound has a huge impact on our emotions. Think of that one song that always makes you choke up, or the one that always makes you want to dance!  Sound can bring back memories, bring comfort, and create an atmosphere during life’s most significant moments. Think about it, music is a big part of many of life's big moments!  Birthdays, weddings, holidays, and on and on.

At the end of life, a carefully chosen soundscape can provide a sense of calm, joy, and connection, for both the person transitioning and their loved ones.

Whether through music, nature sounds, or our own words, creating a soothing auditory environment can help ease anxiety, reduce stress, and offer a sense of peace. Here are some tips to help thoughtfully curate a custom soundscape for the end-of-life journey.

The Power of Sound in the Dying Process

Hearing is often the last sense to fade as a person approaches death. Even when they are unresponsive, they may still perceive and be comforted by familiar voices and gentle sounds. Choosing sounds that promote relaxation can help create an environment that feels safe, loving, and familiar.

Sound can serve many purposes at the bedside:

• Comfort: Soft music or nature sounds can soothe restlessness and anxiety.

• Connection: Familiar voices, recorded messages, or favorite songs can provide a sense of presence and love.

• Spiritual or Emotional Support: Prayers, meditations, or meaningful readings can offer peace and reassurance.

Choosing the Right Sounds

When creating a soundscape, consider the preferences of the dying person. Did they have a favorite musician? Did they find nature sounds relaxing? Were they comforted by poetry, scripture, or guided meditations? Or were they all about dropping sick beats?  (Dying doesn’t have to be all Enya and ocean sounds!)  Selecting sounds that resonate with them personally can make the experience even more meaningful.

1. Music for Comfort and Reflection

Music is one of the most powerful tools for setting a peaceful atmosphere. Consider:

• Instrumental music – Gentle piano, harp, or acoustic guitar music can create a serene environment.

• Soft classical or ambient music – Slow, flowing compositions help foster relaxation.

• Favorite songs or meaningful melodies – If the person had songs they loved, playing them softly can bring comfort.

• Chanting or hymns – Spiritual or meditative music in line with their own spiritual practices can offer a deep sense of peace.

I’ve read in my places to avoid loud or overly complex music, as it may be overstimulating. Soft, repetitive, and slow-paced music tends to be the most calming.  This is true, but that’s not to say some softly played rock isn't out of place if that’s what the person loved most!  (I had a full drum circle around a client once who looked more at peace than she had in days)

2. Nature Sounds for Serenity

For many, nature sounds create a feeling of tranquility. I admit I sleep best listening to Katydids.  Other common nature sounds can include;

• Rainfall or ocean waves – The rhythmic pattern of water can be deeply soothing.

• Birdsong or forest sounds – Gentle nature sounds can bring a sense of being outdoors.

• Breeze or rustling leaves – Light wind sounds can add to a peaceful atmosphere.

Many apps and streaming services offer nature sound playlists, making it easy to find the perfect backdrop.  I personally have a Spotify playlist for sleeping filled with things like a crackling fire and crickets.

3. Spoken Word for Reassurance

Sometimes, the most comforting sounds come from the voices of loved ones. 

• Recorded messages – Family members can record short messages of love and reassurance.

• Spiritual or poetic readings – Scripture, poetry, or meditations can offer a sense of meaning.

• Personal conversations – Simply talking softly to the person, sharing memories, or expressing love can be incredibly meaningful.

Even if the person is no longer responsive they can hear you and speaking to them can bring a sense of connection and peace.  (And help you too!)  Just maybe don’t use this time for YOUR final confessions or grievances.  You may have a burning need to get a last word in or state your piece but the time for that has passed.  It won’t solve anything and it will only agitate them AND you.

Creating a Personalized Soundscape

When setting up a soundscape, some final things to consider:

• Volume: Keep sounds at a soft, comfortable level.  Even rock is ok, just don’t blare it.

• Balance: Avoid overwhelming the space with too many sounds at once.

• Flexibility: Pay attention to how the person responds—some may prefer silence at times.  Look for non verbal cues.  Hospice and death doulas can help you see and understand these better.

Every person’s end-of-life journey is unique. What brings comfort to one person may not work for another. Be open to adjusting the soundscape based on their needs and preferences.

Final Thoughts

At the end of life, the right sounds can create an atmosphere of peace, comfort, and love. Whether through music, nature sounds, or the simple presence of a familiar voice, sound has the power to ease the transition and provide solace for both the dying person and those who love them.

In these final moments, a perfect soundscape can be a small reminder that even in the quietest and most sacred of times, love is still being expressed, heard, and felt.  On both sides.  

How to Write a Meaningful Eulogy

Writing a eulogy is both an honor and a challenge. While it’s difficult to even think about this while grieving a new loss, it’s also an opportunity to celebrate the life of the loved one, share cherished memories, and offer comfort to others grieving this loss. But where do you begin? How do you find the right words to capture a lifetime of love, laughter, and impact?

First of all, take a deep breath.  A meaningful eulogy doesn’t have to be perfect—it just has to come from the heart. Here’s a step-by-step guide to help you craft a eulogy that honors your loved one and can helpfully bring a little peace to those who gather to remember them.

1. Reflect on Their Life

Before you start writing, take time to reflect on your loved one’s life. Think about the qualities that made them unique, the relationships they cherished, and the moments that defined them. Ask yourself:

• What were their passions and interests?

• How did they make others feel?

• What stories or memories best capture their spirit?

Talking with family and friends can help you gather meaningful anecdotes and maybe even gain different perspectives on their life.

2. Find a Theme

I’ve often said that I hope my funeral is a roast.  I’ve always been one to use humor to lighten a difficult mood and that’s just one of the essences of my life and legacy that I would love to see continued in my death.

A great eulogy often has a central theme that ties everything together. Instead of listing accomplishments, focus on the essence of who they were. Were they known for their kindness? Their sense of humor? Their unwavering support for others?  

For example, If they were a quiet source of strength, you could highlight the ways they supported and uplifted others.  Or if your loved one had a way of making everyone laugh, you might structure your eulogy around the joy they brought to those around them.  (Like a roast!)

3. Share Personal Stories

Stories bring a eulogy to life. Choose a few meaningful anecdotes that illustrate your loved one’s personality, values, and impact. These can be heartfelt, funny, or even a little quirky—whatever best represents them.  (Maybe not the time they tried to deep fry a turkey at Thanksgiving and burned down the garage.)

For example:

• “Grandpa had a way of turning every situation into an adventure. I’ll never forget the time he got us lost on a ‘shortcut’ during a road trip, only to discover the best little diner in the middle of nowhere.”

• “Aunt Sarah never met a stray cat she didn’t try to adopt. Her heart was as big as her collection of cat food, and her home was a haven for both animals and people in need.”

These moments make your eulogy feel personal and relatable.

4. Offer Words of Comfort

A eulogy isn’t just about looking back—it’s also about bringing comfort to those grieving. Acknowledge the loss while reminding everyone of the love and memories that remain.  The legacy they have created.

You might say:

• “While we will miss Mom every single day, we carry her love in the way we care for each other, just as she always did.”

• “Though Uncle Joe is no longer with us, his stories, his laughter, and his kindness live on in each of us.”

If your loved one had a favorite saying, belief, or philosophy, consider sharing it as a source of comfort.  We don’t have to just focus on their death.  We can focus on the legacy they are leaving behind.

5. Keep It Concise and Heartfelt

A eulogy is typically between 5-10 minutes long, which translates to about 500-800 words. It doesn’t need to be lengthy—just meaningful. Speak from the heart, and don’t worry about making it perfect. Your sincerity is what will resonate most.

Practice reading your eulogy out loud to ensure it flows naturally. If you find yourself overwhelmed with emotion, take a deep breath, pause, and continue when you’re ready.

6. End with Gratitude and a Lasting Message

Conclude your eulogy with a message of gratitude and a final tribute to your loved one. This could be a simple thank you, a final farewell, or a reflection on their enduring presence in your life.

For example:

• “Dad, thank you for your wisdom, your kindness, and your unwavering love. We will carry your lessons with us always.”

• “As we say goodbye to Maria today, let us also celebrate the love she so freely gave and the light she brought into our lives.”

• “Although Nikki the Death Doula is gone, her sense of humor carries on (::honks clown nose::)”

A Final Thought

Writing a eulogy is an emotional process, but it’s also a beautiful way to honor a life well lived. It can be incredibly healing too!  Speak from the heart, share what feels right, and trust that your words—however simple or imperfect—will be meaningful.

In the end, a eulogy isn’t about saying everything. It’s about saying something that truly matters. And that, more than anything, is what makes it meaningful.

If you need help with this project please reach out to me! This is just one of the many services I can provide.

Finding Meaning in the End-of-Life Journey

The end of life is often considered a solemn occasion and seen as a time of sorrow and loss, but it can also be a profound period of reflection, connection, and meaning. Whether you are facing your own mortality or walking alongside a loved one in their final days, this time offers an opportunity to focus on what truly matters. While grief and sadness are totally normal, there is also space for love, healing, and purpose.  Seeing my clients and their loved ones find these spaces makes my work all worthwhile!

I’d like to cover some thoughts on how to find meaning in the end-of-life journey, both for those nearing the end and for those supporting them.

Reflecting on a Life Well-Lived

One of my favorite and the most meaningful aspects of the end-of-life journey is what I call the Life Review.  The chance to look back on the moments, relationships, and experiences that have shaped a person’s life. Sharing stories, revisiting cherished memories, and expressing gratitude for the past can bring a deep sense of fulfillment and makes the final transition a little less scary.

Encouraging conversations about significant life events, values, and lessons learned can help both the dying person and their loved ones appreciate the impact they have had. Legacy projects—such as writing letters, recording messages, or creating memory books—are another of my favorites and can provide comfort and a tangible way to carry their essence forward.

Deepening Connections

The end of life is an opportunity to strengthen relationships and say the things that have gone unspoken. Expressing love, forgiveness, and gratitude can be incredibly healing for both sides. I have seen many people find peace in resolving old conflicts, reaffirming their love for those around them, and simply spending quiet, meaningful moments together.

For caregivers and family members, being present—whether through physical touch, shared silence, or deep conversations—can create a sense of closeness and reassurance. Seeing and feeling that love being expressed and received can ease that emotional weight of parting from each other.

Honoring Spiritual and Emotional Needs

Whether someone follows a religious faith, has a spiritual practice, or finds meaning in nature and human connection, the end-of-life journey is a deeply spiritual time. Engaging in rituals, prayers, meditation, or reflection can bring a sense of peace and readiness for what comes next.

Even for those who do not identify with a particular faith, finding meaning in simple acts— listening to a favorite song, appreciating nature, or feeling the presence of loved ones—can be a source of spiritual comfort and connection.

Creating a Sense of Legacy

As I mentioned above in Life Review, many people find comfort in knowing that their life has made a difference. This doesn’t have to mean great, life or world altering achievements—often, the most meaningful legacies come from the small but powerful ways we touch others' lives.

Encouraging someone to share their wisdom, pass down traditions, or express their hopes for the future can help them feel a sense of completion. Even small gestures, like planting a tree, writing a letter to a future grandchild, or recording a favorite recipe, can create a lasting impact.  You can even leave behind a video legacy!

Embracing the Present Moment

While the end of life will bring sadness, it also highlights the beauty of the present moment. Focusing on small joys—laughter, music, shared meals, the warmth of a hand—can bring comfort and a sense of peace.

For those supporting a loved one in their final days, simply being there, without the pressure to fix or change anything, can be one of the most meaningful gifts you can offer.  (Pssst.  Hire a Death Doula to help!) I often get asked “Should I be there? Will they ever know I’m there?” Yes and yes!!!  Do not miss this opportunity for them or for yourself.  Being present with a loved one as they are dying is a blessing not everyone can have.

A Journey of Love and Meaning

The end of life is not just about saying goodbye; it is also about celebrating the love, connections, and impact that a person leaves behind. Finding meaning in this journey doesn’t erase grief, but it allows space for love, gratitude, and peace alongside it.

No matter where you are in this process, know that this journey will kinda suck.  But it can also be filled with moments of beauty and significance. And in those moments, meaning can be found.

Understanding the Difference Between Grief and Anticipatory Grief

Grief might be a universal human experience, but it doesn’t always look the same. While most people associate grief with the death of a loved one, there’s another form of grief that occurs before the loss: anticipatory grief. The difference might seem obvious at   first but really understanding these two types of grief can help you navigate your emotions with compassion and find support during challenging times.

Let’s start with grief

In plain language, Grief is the emotional response to loss. It’s what we feel when someone or something we love is gone.  Through death or other means. By now we all know well that it creates a wide range of emotions, including sadness, anger, guilt, confusion, and even relief. Grief is deeply personal though, and there’s no “right” way to experience it.

Grief often comes in waves, sometimes catching you off guard. You may feel fine one moment and overwhelmed the next. While time and support can help, unfortunately grief doesn’t follow a tidy little schedule.  The jerk. It has its own schedule and it’s an ongoing process that evolves as you heal.

What is Anticipatory Grief?

Anticipatory grief, on the other hand, starts before a loss happens. This type of grief is common when a loved one is facing a terminal illness or a decline in health. Knowing that a loss is imminent brings its own set of emotions, like anxiety, anger, and even guilt.

Anticipatory grief allows you to begin processing the loss while the person is still alive, but unfortunately it doesn’t make the eventual loss any easier. Instead, it’s a way of struggling with the duality of cherishing the present moment while preparing for the inevitable.  Fun, right?  Ugh.

Key Differences Between Grief and Anticipatory Grief

1. Timing

   • Grief occurs after a loss has happened.

   • Anticipatory grief happens before the loss takes place, often during a prolonged period of decline or illness.

2. Focus

   • Grief is centered on the absence of a loved one and the void they’ve left behind.

   • Anticipatory grief focuses on the future, imagining life without your loved one while still being present with them.

3. Emotional Complexity

   • Both forms of grief are emotionally challenging, but anticipatory grief often involves a mix of hope, dread, and guilt. For example, you might feel relief that your loved one is no longer suffering when they pass, but that feeling might also bring guilt. (This is a common one)

4. Relationship with the Loved One

   • During anticipatory grief, you still have opportunities to create memories, share meaningful conversations, and express love.

   • After the loss, grief centers on remembering and honoring the life of the person who has passed.

Navigating Both Types of Grief

No matter which grief you’re sitting with today it’s so important to recognize and face it.  Some tips to help:

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings: Both grief and anticipatory grief are valid and deserve recognition. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, or conflicted—your emotions are a natural response to loss.

2. Seek Support: Talking to friends, family, or a counselor can provide comfort. Support groups for caregivers or those experiencing loss can also help you feel less alone. (Ahem.  Caregivers United)

3. Stay Present: During anticipatory grief, focus on the time you have left with your loved one. Small moments of connection—sharing a story, holding their hand, or sitting together in silence—can be incredibly meaningful.

4. Practice Self-Compassion: Both forms of grief can take a toll on your physical and emotional well-being. Give yourself permission to rest, cry, or take a break when needed.

Embrace the Journey

Whether you’re experiencing grief or anticipatory grief, know that both are part of the human experience.  (Sorry AI bots crawling this webpage) They remind us of the depth of our love and the importance of cherishing the time we have. While the journey may be painful, it’s also an opportunity to reflect, connect, and honor the relationships that shape our lives.

By understanding the difference between grief and anticipatory grief, you can approach each with compassion and find ways to navigate the emotions that come with both. And remember—you don’t have to go through it alone. Support is always available when you need it.

Helping Children Understand Death and Grief

Talking to children about death and grief can be nerve wracking but it’s one of the most important conversations you can have. Children experience loss differently than adults, and their understanding of death evolves as they grow. While your gut reaction may be to protect them from the pain, being open and honest helps them process their feelings and develop healthy coping skills.

So how can we talk with our children about this rather tricky subject?

First and foremost: Be Honest and Age-Appropriate!

Children are naturally curious, and they REALLY GOOD at sensing when something is wrong. It’s best to address their questions about death with honesty, using simple, real and age-appropriate language.

For young children, avoid euphemisms like “passed away” or “went to sleep,” which can confuse them. Imagine being told Grandma went to sleep forever and then being put to bed that night.  YIKES. Instead, explain that death means the body has stopped working and the person won’t be coming back. For example:

“Grandma died because her body was very old and sick, and it couldn’t work anymore.”

Older children may have a different understanding of death but still need space to ask questions and express their emotions. Be prepared for a range of inquiries, from the practical (“What happens to their body?”) to the philosophical (“Where do people go after they die?”). It’s okay to admit when you don’t have all the answers.

Let me say that louder for the people in the back: IT’S OK TO ADMIT WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS.  

Acknowledge Their Feelings

Children may not have the vocabulary to articulate their grief, but they feel loss just as deeply as adults do. Validate their emotions by letting them know it’s okay to feel sad, angry, confused, or even relieved.

Encourage them to express their feelings through talking, drawing, writing, or play. Grief doesn’t always look like tears; sometimes it shows up as mood swings, changes in behavior, or withdrawal. Be patient and create a safe space where they feel comfortable sharing what’s on their mind.

Include Them in Rituals

This is so important.   Their imaginations are great at filling in blanks we leave, so involving children in age-appropriate rituals, such as funerals, memorial services, or other traditions, can help them process the reality of death and honor the memory of their loved one. Explain what to expect beforehand so they feel prepared. 

If they don’t want to attend a formal event, find other ways to create meaningful moments. This could include lighting a candle, sharing stories, planting a tree, or drawing pictures in memory of the person who died.

Provide Reassurance

Death can make children feel uncertain or scared, especially if they fear losing other loved ones. They might be fearing “If grandma died, will mom die too?”  Offer reassurance without making unrealistic promises. For instance, you might say, “Most people live a very long time, and I’m healthy and doing everything I can to stay that way.”

Also, let them know they are loved and supported, no matter what. Children need to feel safe and secure as they process their grief.

Be a Model of Grief

Children look to adults for cues on how to handle difficult emotions. By sharing your own feelings in an age-appropriate way, you show them it’s okay to grieve. For example, saying, “I feel really sad today because I miss Grandpa” normalizes the experience and teaches them that grief is a natural response to loss.

Offer Ongoing Support

Grief doesn’t have a timeline for adults so it certainly does not have one for children, and children may revisit their feelings as they grow and their understanding of death deepens. Be open to ongoing conversations and check in regularly. Books, support groups, or counseling can also be helpful resources if they’re struggling to process their emotions.

In conclusion

Helping children understand death and grief is about providing honesty, compassion, and a sense of stability. By creating a safe space for their questions and emotions, you’re equipping them with the tools they need to navigate loss—not just now, but throughout their lives.

Most importantly, remind them that grief is a reflection of love, and it’s okay to take time to heal. With your support, they’ll learn that while loss is a part of life, so too is love, resilience, and hope.

I have a handy one sheet guide for talking with Children about death and many other great resources Here and I have an entire podcast episode dedicated to this subject.

End-of-Life Care for People with Dementia

Caring for someone with dementia is a profound and often challenging journey, especially as they near the end of life. Dementia is a progressive condition that affects memory, communication, and cognitive abilities, and as the disease advances, the needs of the person become increasingly complex. End-of-life care for people with dementia requires a compassionate, holistic approach that addresses their physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being while supporting their caregivers.  Not an easy task!!

Here are some things to consider when providing or planning for end-of-life care for someone with dementia.

Prioritizing Comfort and Dignity

In end-of-life care, the focus shifts to palliative care—providing relief from symptoms and improving comfort. For someone with dementia, this often includes:

1. Managing Pain: People with dementia may struggle to communicate pain, so caregivers must observe non-verbal cues like grimacing, restlessness, or changes in behavior. Medications and non-pharmacological approaches, such as gentle massage or repositioning, can help.

2. Ensuring Nourishment and Hydration: Swallowing difficulties are common in late-stage dementia. While it’s important to offer food and fluids, it’s equally important to respect the natural decline in appetite that often occurs. Forcing food or drink can cause discomfort or harm. 

3. Creating a Calming Environment: Familiar surroundings, soothing music, and gentle lighting can provide comfort and reduce agitation.  The parts of the brain that interpret what the eyes see may be not functioning and tunnel vision occurs, so they may startle easily if you suddenly appear beside them.

4. Maintaining Personal Care: Gentle bathing, skin care, and oral hygiene are essential for dignity and comfort.  Be mindful of bedsores or fragile skin though.  Always be gentle

Emotional and Spiritual Support

People with dementia may not fully understand their situation, but they can still experience emotions like fear, loneliness, or love. Providing emotional and spiritual support is a vital part of end-of-life care.

• Connection: Simple gestures, like holding their hand, speaking softly, or playing familiar songs, can create a sense of connection and peace.

• Spiritual Needs: If the person practiced a faith or had spiritual beliefs, incorporating rituals, prayers, or symbols can provide comfort.

Supporting Caregivers

Caring for someone with dementia is physically and emotionally exhausting, especially during the final stages. Caregivers need support, too. This can include:

• Respite care to provide breaks.

• Counseling or support groups to process emotions.

• Practical help with daily tasks.

• Just providing a listening ear!

Encourage caregivers to reach out for help and remind them that they’re not alone in this journey.

Planning Ahead

Advanced care planning is crucial for end-of-life care in dementia. Discussions about preferences for medical interventions, hospice care, and the desired environment (e.g., home or facility) should happen early in the disease progression, while the person can still participate in decision-making.  A death doula can help facilitate these conversations and ensure the plans are in place when the time comes.

A Compassionate Approach

End-of-life care for people with dementia is about providing love, dignity, and comfort. It’s a journey that requires patience, empathy, and a focus on what matters most—ensuring their final days are filled with as much peace and tenderness as possible.

For caregivers, remember that the care you’re giving is an extraordinary act of compassion. Lean on your support system, and know that your presence and kindness make all the difference.

Why Open Conversations About Death Are Important

Death.  Go ahead.  Say it outloud.  I promise you saying it does not will it into existence.  If so I’d have millions of dollars and a lot of kittens right now.  

In too many cultures, death is treated as a taboo subject, either whispered about or just avoided at all costs. In my time as a death doula, I’ve come to see how amazing open conversations about death can be—not just for those nearing the end of life but for everyone.

Ok, yes, talking about death may feel uncomfortable or even scary at first, but it’s a conversation that can lead to deeper understanding, emotional healing, and greater appreciation for life itself. But why are these discussions so important and how can they change our perspective on life and loss?

Breaking the Taboo

The silence around death often stems from fear. We worry about saying the wrong thing, facing our own mortality, or stirring up icky emotions. But avoiding the topic doesn’t make death any less real—it just makes it harder to prepare for and process when it does happen.  Ever stick your foot in your mouth at a funeral?  Me too. Because like a lot of us I didn’t grow up talking about death.

Open conversations about death help normalize it as a natural part of life. When we talk about death, we reduce its power to intimidate and isolate. It becomes something we can face together, with honesty and support, rather than something we have to handle alone.

Building Deeper Connections

Talking about death can bring us closer to our loved ones. These conversations often reveal what truly matters to people—their values, wishes, and fears.

For example, discussing end-of-life preferences can help families make informed decisions and honor their loved one’s wishes when the time comes. It can also alleviate guilt and conflict by ensuring everyone is on the same page.

Beyond practical planning, these discussions can deepen emotional bonds. Sharing memories, reflecting on life’s meaning, and expressing love can create moments of connection that are profoundly comforting, both in life and in loss. Trust me, I have  seen this first hand MANY times!

Encouraging Life Reflection

Conversations about death often lead to reflections on life. They encourage us to think about how we’re living, what we value, and what kind of legacy we want to leave behind.

When we acknowledge the reality of death, we’re reminded of life’s impermanence—and its beauty. It can inspire us to prioritize what truly matters, whether that’s spending more time with loved ones, pursuing a dream, or simply being present in the moment.

Reducing Fear and Uncertainty

Much of the fear surrounding death comes from the unknown. What will it feel like? What happens afterward? I don’t have all the answers but open conversations can provide clarity and comfort in a really uncomfortable time.

Talking about death allows us to explore these questions in a safe space, share knowledge, and learn from others’ experiences. It’s an opportunity to demystify death and approach it with curiosity rather than dread.

Creating a Culture of Compassion

When we talk openly about death, we foster a culture of compassion. We learn to support one another through grief, celebrate lives well-lived, and face our own mortality with grace. These conversations remind us that death is not just an end but a part of life’s cycle—one that connects us all.

Starting the Conversation

If you’ve never talked about death openly, it’s okay to start small. Share a thought, ask a question, or simply listen. The most important thing is to create a space where honesty and vulnerability are welcome.

By opening up about death, we can open the door to deeper understanding, connection, and healing. And most importantly, honor the fullness of life itself.

A great place to start would be a Death Cafe’! I host one monthly in person in Columbus, but you can find one near you or even virtually at Deathcafe.com. 

The Impact of Grief on Physical Health

Grief is often thought of as an emotional experience—a heavy heart, or the ache of longing. But what many don’t realize is that grief doesn’t just affect our minds; it can take a significant toll on our bodies too. As a death doula, I’ve witnessed firsthand how grief manifests physically and how it demands care and attention beyond the emotional realm.

Understanding the physical impact of grief can help us approach the grieving process with compassion and a focus on holistic healing. Let’s explore how grief touches the body and what we can do to support ourselves or loved ones through this challenging time.

The Physical Toll of Grief

Grief activates our stress response system, also known as the "fight-or-flight" mechanism. This surge of stress hormones like cortisol can lead to a variety of physical symptoms, including:

1. Fatigue: Grieving is exhausting. The emotional work of processing loss can drain energy, leaving you feeling perpetually tired even after a full night’s sleep.

2. Sleep Disturbances: Insomnia, nightmares, or restless sleep are common during grief. It’s hard for the body to rest when the mind is overwhelmed.

3. Appetite Changes: Grief can suppress your appetite, making food unappealing, or it can trigger emotional eating as a way to self-soothe.

4. Aches and Pains: Headaches, muscle tension, or even chest pain are not uncommon. Emotional stress can translate into physical discomfort.

5. Weakened Immune System: Prolonged stress can make you more susceptible to colds, infections, or other illnesses.

These physical reactions aren’t signs of weakness—they’re your body’s natural response to an immense emotional strain.  Be gentle with yourself, this is normal and natural!

Grief’s Long-Term Health Risks

When grief persists without adequate support, it can contribute to chronic health issues. Studies have linked grief to conditions like high blood pressure, heart disease, and gastrointestinal problems. Prolonged grief, particularly if it becomes complicated or unresolved, can also exacerbate mental health conditions like depression and anxiety, which in turn affect physical well-being.

Now these risks don’t mean you’re destined for illness if you’re grieving, but awareness is the first step in taking proactive measures to care for yourself during this time.  Self care, folks!!

Supporting Your Physical Health While Grieving

Caring for your body while grieving might feel like an impossible task, but small, intentional steps can make a big difference. Here are some ways to nurture your physical health:

1. Stay Hydrated: Grief can leave you forgetful about basic needs like drinking water. Keep a water bottle nearby as a gentle reminder.

2. Move Your Body: Gentle activities like walking, stretching, or yoga can help release tension and improve your mood.

3. Eat Nourishing Foods: Even if your appetite is low, try to eat small, nutrient-rich meals to support your energy levels.

4. Prioritize Rest: Give yourself permission to nap, sleep in, or take breaks throughout the day. Rest is an essential part of healing.

5. Seek Professional Help: If physical symptoms persist or worsen, don’t hesitate to reach out to a doctor or therapist. Grief-informed professionals can provide tailored support.

Listening to Your Body

Grief is deeply personal, and its physical effects can vary from person to person. The most important thing is to listen to your body’s signals. If it’s asking for rest, rest. If it’s crying out for movement, move. Treat yourself with the same care and patience you would offer a dear friend in their time of need.  (We’re great at giving advice and terrible about taking it)

A Holistic Approach to Healing

Grieving isn’t just a process for the heart and mind—it’s a full-body experience. By acknowledging the physical impact of grief, we can take steps toward holistic healing. Supporting your physical health during grief isn’t about “getting over it” faster; it’s about creating a foundation that allows you to process your emotions while caring for the vessel that carries you through them.

Above all, remember that grief is a journey, not a race.  There are no winners and no trophies here!  Be gentle with yourself and know that healing, in all its forms, takes time.

Supporting Caregivers: A Death Doula's Perspective

Caregiving is one of the most impactful acts of love a person can offer, but it’s also one of the most demanding. Whether it’s for a parent, partner, or friend, being a caregiver means stepping into a role that requires endless patience, emotional resilience, and physical stamina. It’s not just a task; it’s a journey—and one that no one should have to navigate alone.

As a death doula, I witness the quiet strength of caregivers every day. They are the unsung heroes of life’s most tender moments, providing comfort, dignity, and compassion to those nearing the end of their journey. But caregivers need care too. Supporting them is just as vital as supporting the person they are caring for.

The Emotional Weight

Caregiving is deeply emotional work. It can be heartwarming and fulfilling, but also heartbreaking and isolating. Caregivers often carry a mixture of love, grief, frustration, and guilt, all at once. They often feel like they’re not doing enough, even when they’re giving everything they have.

Part of supporting caregivers is recognizing these emotional complexities. It’s about acknowledging their feelings without judgment and reminding them that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed. Caregivers don’t have to be superheroes—they’re human, and it’s natural to need help.

Practical Ways to Help

If you know a caregiver, one of the best things you can do is offer practical support. Caregivers often neglect their own needs because they’re so focused on the person they’re caring for. Here are a few ways to lighten their load:

1. Offer Specific Help: Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” suggest something concrete. For example, “Can I bring dinner over on Wednesday?” or “Would it help if I ran errands for you this weekend?”

2. Provide Respite Care: Even a few hours of relief can make a world of difference. Offer to sit with their loved one so the caregiver can rest, take a walk, or simply have time to themselves.

3. Help With Daily Tasks: Laundry, grocery shopping, and cleaning don’t stop when someone becomes a caregiver. Pitching in with these tasks can be a huge stress reliever.

Emotional Support

Caregivers need more than practical help—they need emotional support too. Sometimes, just listening is enough. Let them vent, cry, or share their fears without trying to “fix” things. Spoiler: you can’t fix this!  

Remind them that their feelings are valid and that it’s okay to seek help, whether from friends, support groups, or professionals. Therapy or counseling can provide caregivers with tools to manage stress and process their emotions.

Encouraging Self-Care

Caregivers often put themselves last, but they can’t pour from an empty cup. Encourage them to take small steps toward self-care, like eating regular meals, staying hydrated, and finding moments of rest. Even brief pauses can help restore their energy.

The Role of a Death Doula

As a death doula, part of my work is supporting caregivers alongside the person who is dying. I help caregivers navigate the challenges they face, validate their experiences, and remind them that they’re not alone. Caregiving is a labor of love, but it doesn’t have to be carried in solitude or silence.

Gratitude for Caregivers

Caregivers embody the best of humanity: compassion, generosity, and unwavering love. Supporting them is a way to honor the profound work they do, ensuring they feel seen, valued, and cared for.

To all the caregivers out there: thank you for everything you do. And to everyone else: let’s show them the support they deserve. Together, we can create a circle of care that sustains everyone in the journey.

Tiptoeing into the New Year: A Gentle Start to 2025

Happy New Year, dear friends.

Here we are, at the start of another chapter. The calendar has turned, and everywhere you look, there’s chatter about resolutions, fresh starts, and “new year, new you.” While there’s something exciting about the idea of transformation, I want to offer a gentle reminder: you don’t have to leap into the new year with a to-do list as long as your arm.

Sometimes, the most meaningful way to step into a new year is to tiptoe. To ease into it with curiosity and care, rather than rushing to overhaul your life overnight.

Permission to Go Slow

There’s a kind of magic in January. It’s quiet, a little sleepy, and full of potential. Yet, the pressure to set big goals or tackle everything all at once can overshadow that stillness. But here’s the truth: there’s no rule that says you have to hit the ground running. (And you don’t have to do it January 1)

Life doesn’t operate on a perfect timeline, and change rarely happens all at once. The calendar might reset on January 1st, but you’re still you—carrying your joys, struggles, lessons, and hopes. Embracing that continuity can be more grounding than chasing drastic changes.

So, what if this year, instead of trying to change everything at once, you focused on simply being kind to yourself? What if you approached the new year as a chance to notice what feels good and take small, meaningful steps toward what matters most?

Reflect Before You Resolve

Rather than diving headfirst into resolutions, take some time to reflect on the year you’ve just lived. What moments brought you joy? What challenges helped you grow? What do you want to carry forward into this new chapter, and what might you leave behind?

Sometimes, the most profound growth happens when we acknowledge where we’ve been, not just where we’re going. Reflection doesn’t mean dwelling on the past—it’s about honoring it as part of your story.

Small Steps, Big Impact

If you do want to set goals for the year ahead, start small. Choose one or two intentions that feel meaningful, and let go of the idea that they need to be life-altering. Maybe it’s spending more time outdoors, prioritizing rest, or reconnecting with an old hobby.

Remember, progress isn’t measured by how fast you go. It’s about consistency and care. Small, steady steps can lead to big changes over time—and they’re far kinder to your body and mind than sprinting toward unrealistic expectations.

Some fun alternative ideas: Buy some new towels. Big expensive fluffy ones!!  Throw out old socks and underwear that you look at in the drawer with disdain. Clean out that junk drawer. 

The Beauty of a Slow Start

There’s a lovely saying: “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” January is the perfect time to refill yours. Let yourself rest, dream, and adjust to the rhythm of a new year.

Tiptoeing into 2025 isn’t about doing less—it’s about moving with intention. It’s about giving yourself grace as you navigate the transition from one chapter to the next. It’s a quiet reminder that growth doesn’t have to be loud or fast to be meaningful.

A Gentle Welcome to 2025

This New Year’s Day, I invite you to breathe, reflect, and take your time. You don’t need to have all the answers or set a million resolutions. Simply showing up, as you are, is enough.

Wishing you peace, joy, and gentle beginnings in the year ahead.

Love and Light,
Nikki the Death Doula

Finding Light on Christmas Day

Merry Christmas, dear friends.

Today, while the world hums with the buzz of holiday traditions—exchanging gifts, gathering around tables laden with food, and embracing loved ones—it’s also a day that invites reflection. For many of us, Christmas is a time of joy and connection, but it can also bring bittersweet moments, especially if we’re carrying grief or the absence of someone we hold dear.

As a death doula, I spend my days walking alongside people in their most tender moments, helping them face life’s final chapter with grace and courage. The lessons I learn in this work often feel just as relevant during life’s joyful occasions, like today. Christmas reminds me of the importance of cherishing the present, honoring those we’ve lost, and finding meaning in the quiet moments.

The Gift of Presence

Christmas has a way of calling us to be present. Whether you’re watching children tear into their gifts or sharing a laugh over an old family story, the heart of the holiday lies in togetherness.

But presence is about more than proximity—it’s about attention. It’s about pausing to really listen, to soak in the laughter, the music, the warmth of a hug. It’s about putting the phone down, setting aside the to-do list, and being truly here, now.  Even if you’re alone today, you can still be present for yourself, or loved ones far away.

This presence is a gift we give to others, but also to ourselves. When we slow down and savor these moments, they become memories we can carry long after the day is done.

Honoring Those Who Aren’t at the Table

For many, Christmas carries the ache of missing someone. An empty chair at the table, a familiar laugh absent from the room—these absences can feel sharper on days like today.

Grief is just part of life, and it doesn’t take a holiday. But Christmas can also be a time to honor those we’ve lost. Light a candle for them. Tell their stories. Cook their favorite dish or play their favorite song. Let their memory be part of the celebration, reminding us that love doesn’t end when someone leaves—it stays with us, woven into who we are.  

If you need to cry and be sad at their absence, that’s ok too!

A Season of Hope

At its core, Christmas is a season of hope—a light shining in the darkness. It’s a reminder that even in life’s hardest moments, there is room for joy, connection, and meaning. Whether you find that hope in faith, family, friends, or a quiet moment of gratitude, it’s something to nurture and carry into the new year.

For those of you facing challenges this holiday season, know that you’re not alone. Grief, caregiving, or end-of-life planning might feel heavy today, but the love and effort you pour into those you care about matter deeply.  I see you.  You matter.

As we move through this holiday, I encourage you to embrace the dualities of life—joy and sorrow, presence and longing, endings and beginnings. Christmas isn’t about perfection; it’s about connection. And that connection, whether with the living or those who’ve passed, is the greatest gift of all.

From my heart to yours, I wish you peace, warmth, and light this Christmas Day.

Love and Light,
Nikki the Death Doula

What to Include in Your End-of-Life Plan

Planning for the end of your life may not feel like the most exciting to-do list item, but it’s one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself and your loved ones. An end-of-life plan isn’t just about logistics—it’s about ensuring your wishes are honored, easing the burden on your family, and leaving a legacy of thoughtfulness and care.

Not sure where to start? Here are a few tips on what to include in your end-of-life plan to make it as comprehensive—and personal—as possible.  And if you want more help, I have workbooks that are a great guide to starting these plans!

1. Advance Directives

If you talk to me for more than 5 minutes you know I’ll ask you if you have your advanced directives done yet.  This is my hill to die on.  Advance directives are legal documents that outline your healthcare preferences in case you’re unable to communicate them yourself. The two most important ones are:

• Living Will: Details your wishes regarding medical treatments like resuscitation, life support, or feeding tubes etc.

• Healthcare Power of Attorney: Appoints someone you trust to make medical decisions on your behalf. 

Having these in place ensures that your values guide your care and prevents loved ones from having to make difficult decisions without guidance.  Bonus tip: please pick someone you TRUST as your MPOA.  Ensure they can make these decisions when emotions are high.

2. Last Will and Testament

Your will is the cornerstone of your end-of-life plan. It dictates how your assets—such as property, savings, and personal belongings—will be distributed. Be sure to:

• Designate beneficiaries for specific items or accounts.

• Name a trusted executor to carry out your wishes.

• Update it periodically as circumstances change.

I always advise hiring an attorney for this.  Even if you have no money or even lots of debt, GET THINGS IN WRITING.  Attorneys can help your loved ones avoid the nastiness that is probate.

3. Funeral or Memorial Preferences

Deciding how you’d like to be remembered can bring comfort to your loved ones and ensure your final farewell aligns with your values. Consider specifying:

• Whether you’d prefer a burial, cremation, or alternative option.

• The type of service you’d like (traditional, celebration of life, private gathering).

• Any special requests, such as readings, music, or charitable donations in lieu of flowers.

Writing these details down spares your family the guesswork during an emotionally charged time.  

4. Financial and Legal Information

Simplify things for your loved ones by organizing your financial and legal information in one place. Include:

• Account details for bank accounts, retirement funds, insurance policies, and loans.

• Contact information for your attorney, financial advisor, and accountant.

• A list of passwords for digital accounts (or instructions for accessing them).

Keeping this information updated and secure is key. A trusted person should know where to find it when needed.

5. Personal Letters and Legacy Documents

Adding a personal touch to your plan can be incredibly meaningful. I just poted recently about Ethical Wills!  Some things to consider:

• Writing letters to loved ones expressing your love, gratitude, or memories.

• Creating an ethical will or legacy letter to pass down life lessons and values.

• Documenting family history, favorite recipes, or traditions to keep your legacy alive.

• Photo albums! 

6. Organ Donation Preferences

If you wish to be an organ donor, make sure to include this in your plan and register with your local donor registry. Discuss your decision with your loved ones so they’re aware of your wishes.  Most states have this right on your driver's license.  

7. Emergency Contact Information

Provide a list of people to notify in the event of your passing. Include their names, phone numbers, and email addresses. Having this prepared saves time and ensures that everyone who should know is informed promptly.

8. A Plan for Your Pets

Don’t forget your furry (or feathered or scaled) family members! Designate someone to care for your pets, and include details about their needs, such as diet, medical history, and routines.  Make sure they are comfortable with this and up to the task!

9. Keep It Accessible and Updated

Once you’ve completed your end-of-life plan, store it in a safe but accessible location. Share its whereabouts with trusted individuals, such as your power of attorney or family members. Review and update it periodically to ensure it remains accurate and reflects your current wishes.

I keep mine in a file in the cloud that is accessible by certain people in my life.  This way I can make updates at any time.

Peace of Mind for You and Your Loved Ones

Creating an end-of-life plan isn’t about focusing on the end—it’s about shaping the story you want to leave behind. By preparing now, you ensure your voice is heard, your values are honored, and your loved ones are supported. It’s a plan filled with love, care, and the ultimate gift of peace of mind.

A Guide to Ethical Wills and Legacy Letters

When we think about wills, we often imagine the legal documents that deal with dividing possessions or assets. But what about the things that can’t be measured in dollars and cents? The lessons, values, and memories that shape who we are deserve a place too—and that’s where ethical wills and legacy letters come in.

Unlike a traditional will, an ethical will or legacy letter isn’t about your estate. It’s a heartfelt document that shares your life’s wisdom, hopes, and reflections. Think of it as a love letter to the people who matter most, filled with the essence of who you are and what you’ve learned. This is a super impactful activity I do with many of my clients!

What Is an Ethical Will or Legacy Letter?

An ethical will is a personal document where you express your values, beliefs, life lessons, and wishes for your loved ones. It’s an opportunity to pass down not just “what you had” but “who you were.”

Similarly, a legacy letter is a more casual variation, often shorter and written in a conversational tone. Whether formal or informal, both serve as a beautiful way to leave an emotional and moral legacy, connecting your past to future generations.

These letters can include anything you feel is meaningful—stories from your life, advice for the challenges ahead, gratitude for the people you love, or even an apology or forgiveness you want to extend.

Why Write One?

Writing an ethical will or legacy letter is as much for you as it is for your loved ones. It allows you to reflect on your life, celebrate what’s most important to you, and articulate the values that guided your journey.  One of the reasons I love doing these with my clients is to give them an opportunity to really see the impact and value of their life before they go.  What beautiful closure!

For your loved ones, these letters become treasures. Long after you’re gone, your words can comfort, inspire, and guide them. They serve as a reminder of your love and the lessons you hoped to share, whether it’s advice on navigating tough times, encouragement to pursue their dreams, or a story that makes them laugh and feel closer to you.

Let’s Get Started!

Writing an ethical will or legacy letter might feel daunting, but it doesn’t have to be perfect. It’s not about crafting a masterpiece; it’s about writing from the heart. Here’s how to begin:

1. Reflect on Your Life: Think about your experiences, the people who shaped you, and the values that guided you. What do you want your loved ones to know about you?

2. Choose Your Audience: Decide who you’re writing to. Is it your children, grandchildren, friends, or a broader group of loved ones? Tailor your message to those who’ll receive it.

3. Write in Your Own Voice: Keep it authentic. Your loved ones want to hear you—quirks, humor, and all. (I’m quite sure mine will include at LEAST one fart joke)

4. Include Stories: Stories make your values and lessons relatable. Share anecdotes that illustrate what you’ve learned and why it matters.  Big or small, it’s all  meaningful! 

5. Don’t Overthink It: Start with a simple letter. You can always revise or add to it later. The important thing is getting started.

When to Write One

There’s no “right” time to write an ethical will or legacy letter. Some people start early and update it as they grow, while others create it during life transitions or as they age. Whenever you begin, it’s never too soon to leave a heartfelt legacy.  I have one I add to all the time!

The Gift of Your Words

An ethical will or legacy letter is more than just words on a page—it’s a gift of connection and love that will outlast time. By taking the time to share your essence with those who matter most, you’re creating a legacy far richer than anything money could buy. And that’s a treasure worth passing down.

The Physical and Emotional Toll of Caregiving (and How to Lighten the Load)

Caregiving is one of life’s most meaningful roles—it’s also one of the toughest. Whether you’re looking after an aging parent, a spouse, or another loved one, it’s an act of devotion that can leave you feeling like a superhero some days and completely spent on others. The truth is, caregiving isn’t just about love and loyalty; it’s also about managing the challenges that come with it.

Let’s dive into the toll caregiving can take and, more importantly, some ways to lighten the load while keeping your sense of humor and sanity intact.

The Physical Demands (AKA Why Your Back Keeps Complaining)

Caregiving often requires a surprising amount of physical effort. From lifting and supporting someone to running errands and managing endless to-do lists, it’s easy to forget that your own body has limits. Skipping meals or sacrificing sleep to “get it all done” might seem noble at the moment, but in the long run, it’ll catch up with you—and probably involve some stern words from your doctor.

If you’re feeling the wear and tear, consider small changes. Use assistive devices to make tasks easier, or ask a friend, family member, or professional for help with heavy lifting (no capes required). And don’t underestimate the power of stretching, a good mattress, and that magical 20-minute nap.  I know, finding time for self care is near impossible.  But even just a little stretch while waiting on the pot to boil can go a long way!

The Emotional Rollercoaster (You’re Not Alone!)

Caregiving is a heart-first job, which means it comes with all the feels—sometimes all at once. You might find yourself laughing at a sweet moment one minute and tearing up at a tough decision the next. It’s normal. Caring for someone you love is emotional terrain, and you’re allowed to feel everything that comes with it.

What’s less helpful is when guilt sneaks in, whispering things like, “You should be doing more,” or, “Why did you take a break when they needed you?” Here’s a secret: guilt is just proof that you care, but it doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong. Remind yourself that you’re human and doing the best you can—because you are!

Preventing Burnout (Because You’re More Than Just a Caregiver)

Newsflash: taking care of yourself doesn’t make you selfish—it makes you smart. If your tank is running on empty, it’s tough to give your loved one the care they deserve. Self-care doesn’t have to mean a vacation to your favorite destination (though wouldn’t that be nice?). It can be as simple as calling a friend, watching your favorite show, or spending 15 minutes outside with a cup of tea.  (Or spending time here in this community!!)

And don’t be afraid to ask for help. Seriously, put away the superhero cape and call in reinforcements. Whether it’s a neighbor, sibling, or professional caregiver, sharing the load is a game-changer. Remember, even heroes need sidekicks.

Wrapping It All Up

Caregiving is a journey filled with love, laughter, and, yes, challenges. But by cutting yourself some slack, asking for help, and finding moments of joy, you can keep your balance and your sense of humor. After all, caregiving is about connection, and that includes staying connected to yourself. So go ahead—take a breath, share a laugh, and remember you’re doing something extraordinary. And that’s pretty amazing.

When Loved Ones Disagree About End-of-Life Care

When a loved one approaches the end of their life, the situation is often fraught with emotion, uncertainty, and important decisions. Families are tasked with making choices about medical interventions, hospice care, or how to honor their loved one’s wishes. In these moments, disagreements can arise, even among the closest of families. Differences in beliefs, values, or interpretations of the person’s desires can create tension and conflict during an already difficult time.

While these disagreements are common, they can also be resolved—or at least managed—with compassion and clear communication. Here’s a guide to navigating these challenging conversations with care and understanding.

1. Focus on the Loved One’s Wishes

The central focus of any decision-making process should always be the preferences and values of the person who is nearing the end of their life. If they’ve expressed their wishes—through advance directives, a living will, or personal conversations—these should guide the family’s choices. If those wishes are unclear or unknown, families may need to rely on what they know about the person’s values and beliefs.

In some cases, emotions can lead family members to prioritize their own feelings over the loved one’s expressed desires. For instance, a sibling might push for aggressive medical treatments, believing it’s the best way to hold onto hope, even if the person has stated they want to avoid invasive interventions. Gentle reminders to refocus the discussion on honoring the loved one’s autonomy can help ground the conversation.

2. Acknowledge Emotional Responses

Disagreements about end-of-life care often stem from fear, grief, or a desire to protect the loved one from pain or suffering. These emotions are natural, but they can cloud judgment or escalate conflicts. For example, a family member in denial about the gravity of the situation may push for treatments that the rest of the family feels are unnecessary or harmful.

Acknowledging and validating these emotions can de-escalate tension. Statements like, “I can see how much you care and want what’s best,” or, “It’s clear this is coming from a place of love,” can soften defenses and open the door for more productive dialogue.

3. Seek Mediation When Needed

When emotions run high and disagreements seem insurmountable, bringing in a neutral third party can be incredibly helpful. This could be a social worker, hospice chaplain, palliative care specialist, or even a professional mediator. These individuals can facilitate conversations, ensuring that everyone’s voice is heard while keeping the focus on the loved one’s needs and preferences.

Mediation can be especially useful when cultural or generational differences play a role in the conflict. For example, younger family members may prioritize quality of life, while older relatives might feel a duty to pursue every possible medical intervention. A mediator can help bridge these divides with empathy and clarity.

4. Practice Active Listening

When family members feel unheard, frustration and conflict tend to grow. Taking the time to actively listen—without interrupting or rushing to respond—can make a significant difference. Repeating back what someone has said, asking clarifying questions, and expressing understanding can foster mutual respect, even when opinions differ.

5. Prioritize Ongoing Communication

End-of-life decisions often evolve as circumstances change. A loved one’s condition may decline, new medical information might come to light, or the emotional dynamics of the family could shift. Keeping lines of communication open ensures that everyone remains informed and has a chance to share their thoughts as the situation unfolds.

Scheduling regular family meetings or check-ins can provide a structured way to address concerns and make decisions collaboratively. These conversations don’t need to be perfect—they just need to be honest and focused on the shared goal of supporting the loved one.

6. Recognize When to Step Back

Sometimes, no amount of discussion will bring complete agreement. In these cases, it’s important to recognize when to step back and prioritize peace over persuasion. If a decision must be made, consider involving the healthcare provider or legal representative who has been designated as the medical power of attorney. They are tasked with making decisions in alignment with the loved one’s wishes and best interests.

Moving Forward Together

Disagreements about end-of-life care can be painful, but they are also an opportunity for families to come together with compassion and understanding. By focusing on the loved one’s wishes, listening to one another, and seeking help when needed, families can navigate these challenges with grace. In doing so, they honor not only the person at the center of the decision-making process but also the love and connection that binds them together.

A Guide to Navigating Grief with Compassion

Grief is a universal experience, we all experience it sometime, yet it can feel deeply isolating.   Losing someone or something meaningful to us creates a void, and the process of grieving that loss can be complicated and unpredictable.  (And let's face it, our western society SUCKS af grief.)  Although there’s no “right” way to grieve, embracing compassion—for ourselves and for others—can make the journey more gentle and manageable.

Here are a few ways to navigate grief with compassion, creating space for healing in your own time.

1. Allow Yourself to Feel What You Feel

“You gotta feel it to heal it!” - Me.

Grief comes with a cocktail of emotions (and not even the fun kind of cocktail!)—sadness, anger, guilt, even moments of relief or peace—and sometimes all at once. It’s natural to want to resist painful feelings or to feel guilty for having “positive” emotions. Instead of pushing feelings aside or judging them (here we go with the old “stiff upper lip” mettaility we’re all used to), try to let yourself feel them without self-criticism. Remind yourself that there is no “normal” or “correct” way to grieve. Allowing yourself to experience each emotion as it comes creates room for your heart and mind to process the loss in a more natural, healthy way.

2. Take the Journey at Your Own Pace

Grief doesn’t follow a set timeline or schedule. Some days you may feel like you’re moving forward, while others can feel like you’re taking steps back. This ebb and flow is natural, and rushing through grief or comparing your pace to others’ won’t make it easier. Give yourself permission to move at a pace that feels right for you. Take it day by day, and recognize that grief isn’t something to “get over” but rather something to learn to live with over time. Remember that moments of progress and setbacks are all part of the process.  We’re all unique and so is our grief!

3. Reach Out for Support—In Your Own Way

Grief is often easier to carry when we don’t bear it alone. Whether you find comfort in talking to close friends, joining a support group, or seeing a grief counselor, connecting with others can provide relief and understanding. But if you’re not ready to share your feelings openly, that’s okay too. Sometimes, writing in a journal, creating art, or simply spending quiet time outdoors can be just as comforting. Compassion means honoring what you need, without forcing yourself to follow others’ expectations.  Try and tune out the crap advice you may hear, because you’re going to hear a LOT of unsolicited advice.  We’re a society of “fixers”.  If anyone you turn to starts with “you just need to…” or “Why don’t you just….” smile and move along.  

4. Practice Self-Compassion Daily

It’s common to feel critical of ourselves during grief. We might question if we’re grieving “too much” or “too little,” or feel we should be handling things differently. Being gentle with yourself and recognizing that you’re doing your best is essential. Practicing self-compassion could mean taking breaks, getting extra rest, or finding small ways to nurture yourself each day. Remember, treating yourself kindly is not indulgent—it’s part of healing.  Again, this will look different for everyone.  For some it’s quiet meditation, for others it’s an aggressive workout or run, or maybe even a long nap under your favorite blanket.

5. Honor the Memories in Meaningful Ways

Finding ways to celebrate the life and memory of the person, pet, or thing you’ve lost can be healing. You might plant a tree, create a scrapbook, write a letter, or participate in an activity they loved. These gestures help honor their memory and can provide comfort, keeping the connection alive in your own way.  A Death Doula can absolutely help with this!!

Grief is deeply personal, but navigating it with compassion can ease the journey. Allow yourself to experience and express your feelings, take your time, and honor your own needs, give yourself the grace to heal. Remember, there’s no timeline or “perfect” way to grieve—only the path that feels right for you.

If you’re feeling “stuck” and need some help through your grief, please don’t hesitate to ask for help.  You can Schedule a time with me to see if grief coaching might be right for you.

Love and Light,

Nikki the Death Doula